Political analyst, lecturer, and marriage counsellor Dr. Lontum Charles says the alarming rate of divorce cases being filed before courts in Cameroon is a cause for concern, warning that some troubled marriages have also resulted in domestic violence and, in extreme cases, murder.
Dr. Lontum says one of the major issues behind the growing challenges in marriage is that some people enter relationships and eventually marry for the wrong reasons.
According to him, when people enter marriage without genuine intentions, adequate preparation, or a proper understanding of the commitment involved, the union can eventually become a burden rather than a source of companionship and fulfilment.
“When we do not live marriage according to God’s plan, it becomes a burden or a prison in the name of marriage,” Dr. Lontum said.
He argued that the reasons behind a person's decision to marry are important because they can significantly influence the relationship once the excitement of courtship and the wedding ceremony begins to fade.
Hidden intentions can emerge after marriage
The marriage counsellor said one of the difficulties in some relationships is that people do not always reveal their true selves during courtship.
A person may appear genuine while pursuing a relationship but conceal certain intentions, expectations, or aspects of their personality until after the marriage has taken place.
He described such situations as a form of manipulation that can leave the other partner feeling deceived when the hidden aspects of the relationship eventually emerge.
“The person who gets married to you is genuine, but because you are manipulating, you have real work to unmask yourself,” he explained.
According to the marriage counsellor, some of these problems could be identified before marriage if couples invested sufficient time in courtship and used that period to understand one another.
He said courtship should not simply be viewed as a period leading to a wedding. It should provide prospective partners with an opportunity to examine each other's character, values, behaviour, expectations, and approach to life.
“When you marry for the wrong reason, you have to play the game so well so that what you are hiding does not come out one day. But very often, it does,” he said.
Once the couple begins living together, Dr. Lontum Charles noted, maintaining a false image can become increasingly difficult. The partner who believed they were marrying one person may suddenly discover characteristics they had never encountered during courtship.
“This is why many divorce cases occur within the first three years of marriage,” he said, arguing that some couples eventually realize that the person they married is different from the person they thought they knew.
He attributed such situations to selfish motives, hidden intentions, and the failure of partners to reveal their true identities before making a lifelong commitment.
Preparation and communication matter
Dr. Lontum Charles identified inadequate preparation and insufficient courtship among the factors that can contribute to marital problems. He also cited a lack of genuine commitment to love, intolerance, unwillingness to make sacrifices, and poor communication.
In some relationships, he said, partners become more concerned with proving themselves right than listening to and understanding each other. Marriage, he argued, requires patience, communication, tolerance, and a willingness to make sacrifices.
Other factors he highlighted include materialism, an uncontrolled desire for money and fame, domestic violence, drug abuse, occult practices, and manipulation.
He also warned about what he described as “fake personalities," situations in which individuals conceal who they really are while pursuing a relationship.
Such relationships, he said, can become particularly difficult when hidden intentions are discovered only after one partner has already made a deep emotional or personal commitment.
Couples should confront problems, not each other
Dr. Lontum Charles stressed that a healthy marriage does not necessarily mean a life without difficulties. Problems, he said, are inevitable, but couples can determine how they respond to those difficulties.
For couples who enter marriage with genuine intentions and a willingness to work together, challenges can become problems to solve collectively rather than reasons to turn against each other.
“The challenges are no longer obstacles, and they face the challenges and not each other. They are not fighting each other; they are fighting the challenges,” he said.
He observed that the opposite happens in many troubled relationships, where the husband and wife gradually become opponents. “In most marriages today, the two persons we think have become one are the ones fighting themselves,” he said.
The weight of the marriage vow
Dr. Lontum also reflected on the words commonly pronounced during Christian wedding ceremonies: “What God has put together, let no man put asunder.”
He said couples sometimes assume that the statement is primarily directed at family members, friends, and other people attending the wedding.
In his view, however, the couple themselves are among the first people challenged by those words because they are the ones who have entered into the marriage covenant.
He stressed that marriage involves a voluntary commitment. “The consent you take is not forced upon you. You are the person who has to answer. No one can answer that for you. You consent freely. You are not forced,” he said.
Dr. Lontum Charles further explained that, in the Catholic understanding of marriage, the couple themselves are the ministers of the sacrament. They freely exchange their vows and present the wedding rings to each other as symbols of their commitment.
For him, these actions underline the seriousness of the promises made by the couple. “Marriage is a covenant,” he said, stressing that couples should therefore understand the weight of the commitment before making their vows.
Why some marriages become a burden
Dr. Lontum Charles questioned why couples should abandon their commitment whenever difficulties arise, arguing that many of the problems encountered in marriage are challenges that can be addressed when partners work together.
He acknowledged that marriage can become difficult but maintained that the experience differs depending on the foundation upon which the relationship was built.
“Marriage has become a burden to some people and not others. Why? If you marry for the wrong reason, your marriage will become a burden. And if you marry for the right reason, your difficulties will become challenges,” he said.
He added that challenges can be confronted and overcome when both partners understand that they are on the same side. The objective, he said, should be to enjoy marriage rather than simply endure it.
Dr. Lontum's five principles
As part of his advice to people preparing for marriage, Dr. Lontum outlined a five-step principle centred on making appropriate choices and taking responsible action.
His counsel is, "Do the right thing." Do the right thing at the right time. Do the right thing at the right time, in the right place. Do the right thing at the right time, in the right place, and in the right way. Do the right thing at the right time, in the right place, in the right way, to the right person.
He said prospective couples should also spend time understanding themselves before attempting to understand their future partners. “Know who you are, not your partner, before getting married, because to love is a decision,” Dr. Lontum said.
His message ultimately centres on preparation, honesty, commitment, and mutual responsibility, with the marriage counsellor urging couples to approach marriage as a serious lifelong commitment rather than simply the continuation of a romantic relationship.
@Laarry Times
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